Bitcoin breaks 100k—there, I said it in the very first line so Google doesn’t ghost me. I’m crouched on a sticky tile floor at 3:07 a.m., phone flashlight under my chin like a horror story, watching the candle wick past six figures while the toilet auto-flushes for the third time. My heartbeat is literally syncing to the 1-minute chart. Send help, or tacos.
Why Bitcoin Breaks 100K Feels Like My Student Loans Just Paid Themselves
Remember when I told my mom BTC was “digital Beanie Babies” in 2017? Yeah, I ate that crow medium-rare. Last night I FaceTimed her from the parking lot—her exact words: “Honey, did you finally sell your internet money?” I whispered, “Ma, it’s a hundred grand now,” and she dropped her knitting. The clatter echoed louder than the block confirmation ding.
Global Stocks Doing the Macarena
- S&P futures? Gap up 2.7% pre-market, then barf half back because—plot twist—someone in Luxembourg sneezed.
- My Robinhood literally glitched and showed my portfolio in Comic Sans. I took it as a sign from Satoshi.
- Tesla calls I bought with couch-change money? Currently worth more than my actual couch.
Bonds, Banks, and My Barber’s New Lambo Fund
Bitcoin breaks 100k and suddenly every boomer on CNBC is yelling about “shadow rates.” Bro, I can’t even spell “duration” without autocorrect turning it into “durian.” But here’s the raw tea: 10-year yields spiked to 4.61%, then dove because BlackRock filed for another ETF before I finished my Monster. My barber texted me a Lambo emoji and “wen payout?”—dude, I tipped you in 2021, chill.
Three Things I Screwed Up So You Don’t Have To
- Sold 0.1 BTC in 2022 to buy a used Miata. Miata still smells like tacos; BTC would’ve bought a fleet.
- Told my date “I’m into crypto” and she heard “crypto-night.” Date ended at Denny’s; I paid in Lightning, she paid in silence.
- Screen-recorded the 100k candle with low battery—video cuts out at $99,987. I’m framing the freeze-frame as performance art.
2025 Playbook From a Guy Who Still Uses Venmo QR Codes
- MicroStrategy Play: Michael Saylor just yawned and added another zero. Copy homework, but maybe only 0.001×.
- Alt-coin Casino: If you’re buying anything with a dog mascot, set a timer for 20 minutes and walk away when it rings. Works for slot machines too.
- Normie On-Ramp: Gift your uncle one hardware wallet and one Whataburger gift card. Balance achieved.
The Chaos Minute: My Brain at 3:47 a.m.
Wait—price just dumped 3k in 40 seconds. Toilet flushed again. Is this the dip? Is this the top? Did I leave the stove on? Why is there a bald eagle on my burrito wrapper? Anyway.
Bitcoin Breaks 100K and My Retirement Plan Is Now a Meme
Here’s the unfiltered truth: I still don’t know if we moon to 250k or crash to 60k by Presidents’ Day. But crouched here under fluorescent regret, I’m weirdly calm. The eagle feather on my dashboard feels like a receipt from the universe: “You paid attention. Good job, kid.”
Wrap-Up From the Parking Lot
So yeah, Bitcoin breaks 100k and the world didn’t end—yet. My burrito did, though. If you’re reading this while stress-eating gas-station sushi, do three things:
- Screenshot this post.
- Send it to one friend who still says “Bit-coin.”
- Drop your wildest 2025 price prediction in the comments—I’ll reply with voice notes from whichever Waffle House I’m hiding in next.
Hit that share button like it’s the buy button at 99,999. Let’s keep the chaos communal.
—Your caffeine-positive, slightly unhinged Ohio correspondent P.S. If you want me to roast your portfolio live, reply with a screenshot. I’m awake anyway.
