US-China trade war 2.0 walked into my apartment at 7:03 a.m. today and drank the last of my oat milk. Rude. I’m sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat that smells like cat and broken dreams, phone in one hand, cold coffee in the other, and CNBC screaming “60% tariffs on EVs” in my face. My first thought? “Cool, cool, cool—guess my dream of a cheap electric scooter just got repo’d.”
Two weeks ago I was bragging to my group chat that I “beat inflation” by buying 40 pounds of off-brand electrolytes on Temu. This morning those same pallets are apparently funding a naval blockade. I feel like the universe just Venmo-requested me for $400 with the memo “LOL.”
Why This Round Feels Personal (Like, Stalker-Level Personal)
1. My Air Fryer Is Now a Hostage
It’s a $39 Xiaomi that sings a little song when the fries are done. Bloomberg says it’s about to sing in 60% Mandarin surcharges. I named it Kevin. Kevin might die.
2. My Side Hustle Just Blue-Screened
I flip refurbished phones on eBay. Guess what country makes 98% of the replacement screens? If you guessed “not Ohio,” ding-ding-ding. My margins are currently doing the Macarena off a cliff.
3. Even My Therapist Is Confused
Actual quote from yesterday’s Zoom: “So the trade war is why you stress-bought 12 jars of gochujang?” Yes, Dr. Lisa. Yes it is.
Three Dumb Things I Did This Week (So You Don’t Have To)
- Panic-bought a $220 “Made in Michigan” charger that arrived shaped like a brick. Literal brick.
- Tried to “shop local” and spent $18 on two apples that tasted like wet cardboard and regret.
- Googled “move to Canada” at 3 a.m., forgot I hate winter, closed the tab, stress-ate cold fries.
Three Smarter Things I’m Doing Tomorrow (Copy-Paste Permitted)
- Freeze your wish list. Screenshot everything you want—prices only go one direction for the next 90 days.
- Hunt Facebook Marketplace for “moving sale” tech. Tariff-proof and you meet weirdly nice people.
- Download the CNBC app push alerts. Yeah, it’s annoying, but it’s free and faster than my group chat’s conspiracy theories.
Real Talk From My Fire Escape
I’m staring at the Manhattan skyline right now—same view, but every light feels 10% more expensive. Is US-China trade war 2.0 actually here? Bro, it never left; it just changed outfits and learned TikTok dances. Am I scared? Little bit. Am I canceling my Amazon Prime? …ask me after Black Friday.
Your Turn, Fam
Drop your wildest tariff story below—I’ll reply to every single one while stress-eating Kevin’s last batch of fries. Hit the ❤️ if this felt like a FaceTime rant. Subscribe so the next meltdown lands in your inbox before your groceries ghost you.
Catch you on the flip side—unless the flip side is 25% more expensive, in which case I’m staying right here. ✌️
